Couple Therapy

Perhaps one of the more avoided forms of therapy is couple therapy. This is not surprising; the decision to seek couple therapy is often laden with uncertainties and assumptions, such as beliefs that one must work on themselves on an individual level in order to make the relationship work. And while individual work can contribute positively to relational health, the biggest and most challenging piece is often left behind – our experiences within the unique context of the relationship, and how these changes fit the relationship itself. 

Seeking couple therapy is often accompanied by fears that doing so is a confirmation that the relationship is not working; like with ourselves, we become protective and defensive, and we might cling to it even when it is hurting us. This may lead to maladaptive patterns that sustain the hurts rather than building the goods.

More often than not, we feel a pressure to accept a relationship “as is”, and to get by. But getting by is not something most of us want, and is often not good for us. In fact, research shows that relational health is directly related to our physical health, and that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Therefore, couple therapy can benefit us on a relational and individual level.

According to John Gottman’s research, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy with their relationship before getting help. In Cyprus, I suspect that number is even higher. We are often told to “hush and get by”. We are sometimes told that it is shameful to seek help, or that we shouldn’t look to others to fix our own problems. Or we come to believe that a good relationship “shouldn’t be this hard”, and there is therefore no reason to work on it. I have also come to understand, that couples who are not married are even less likely to seek support, even though this could offer vital support in building strong relational foundations and preventing future problems and resentment.

A good relationship doesn’t just happen. It is intentionally created, nurtured and upheld, through all the small moments and day-to-day choices one makes. And if your relationship does not feel good to you right now, it is not necessarily a sign of a bad fit.

Relationships are sometimes riddled with ambivalence, which can lead to feelings of passivity. To me, therapy provides a vehicle for movement against passivity – this movement is not necessarily linear, it can mean the experience of different trajectories, but it is through this movement that we can find what works best for our relationship. 

I strive to keep myself culturally competent, in the context of my country. But, at the same time, I seek to make changes in perspectives that have harmed our family lives and experiences, and that have perpetuated the same unworkable patterns that may have hurt our parents and their parents before them. I want to meet people where they are, to understand their environments and the forces that have come into play, and to remind ourselves that we are not destined or set to repeat the patterns of the past.

Together, we can help explore the strengths and stresses of your relationship. We can navigate big decisions, fears and uncertainties, and we can strengthen the walls of the relationship, to protect it from external stressors. I will offer guidance while you work dyadically to make the changes that you want. You will be finding each other again or, sometimes, finding each other for the first time.

I can help with:

  • Communication difficulties

  • Conflict management

  • Perpetual/unresolved conflict

  • Transition to parenthood and parenting conflict

  • Life changes or transitions

  • Sexual health

  • Infidelity and affair recovery

  • Emotional mismatches

  • Pre-marital counseling

  • Ambivalence

  • Feeling disconnected and distant

  • Resentment

  • Issues of trust and security

Any relationship is welcome.

Esther Perel

“In relationships, there is no one way, and there is no right way.”

  • A structured, in-depth assessment in the first three sessions. A feedback session to discuss the strengths and challenges of the relationship, and to create a “road map” for therapy. Then, application of supported techniques to address problems and strengthen the relationship.

  • The main method I use for addressing concerns usually brought forth by couples is the Gottman Method Couple Therapy. This therapy is based on Dr. John Gottman’s research, that began in the 1970s and continues to this day, that has focused on what makes relationships succeed or fail. From this research, Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, have created a method of therapy designed to help teach specific tools to deepen friendship and intimacy, and to help couples productively manage conflicts. The model weaves strategies informed from findings in attachment theory, neuroscience, emotion-focused therapy, and other evidence-based practices, and has received support as an effective approach for couples experiencing difficulties.

  • It is always better to start sooner rather than later. This can ensure that the good is worked on enough to prevent problems, and for substantial change to be made to prevent further deterioration. If issues keep escalating without being addressed, they may reach a point at which repair is no longer possible.

  • Couple therapy is as much for the new couple that would like to protect and strengthen the relationship against stressors, or to improve general patterns of interaction, as it is for the seasoned couple that has become more distant with time, or for whom resentment has grown deeper and more pervasive.

    If you find yourselves engaging in the same fights, that lead progressively to longer periods of anger, resentment, and disconnect, or if you keep thinking about separation or divorce, couple therapy may help.

  • It takes two to tango, and the steps each person takes will affect the outcome of the dance. There are times when one partner may need more guidance and support, or a private space to share their own thoughts and experiences. While individual work can complement couple work beautifully, most of the time, through couple work, individual change is also made. This will, of course, depend on the specific experiences of each couple. Should you choose to pursue couple therapy, we will determine what is best for your goals and for your relationship.

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